How did I get here?

This past weekend I returned to Seattle for a night for my friend's birthday... twas good times and it was really great to reconnect with friends up there.  Although, I did find myself in my head for the larger portion of my 3 hour drive back to Portland Sunday afternoon....

My wanderlust has been in the forefront of my heart for the majority of my adult life... I spent the year after high school living in a barn, cleaning 25 stalls a day just so I could be trained by a very esteemed trainer in the middle of nowhere, Illinois, while my friends were going to frat parties and figuring out dorm dynamics; I joined the Peace Corps at age 27 and lived in a small village in Cameroon teaching math and science while most of my friends from home were getting married and started having babies; I went back for a second bachelor's degree for nursing at 29 and lived in Baltimore (a.k.a. shitsmore) and worked in a clinic where the RNs ran a STD clinic and I coordinated HIV testing... where I told too many patients that they were HIV+; then moved across the country to Seattle to work in an ER and go to school full-time... I also thought it was a good idea to go volunteer in Haiti after the earthquake for my spring break.  And now at 36, I've made yet another move.  Both physically and career wise and I'm kind of freaking out.  I don't recount my life story to illicit any admiration or ego boosting... I have done and seen a lot and I am proud of that, and wouldn't take it back for the world... but I've also missed out on other life experiences.  I have made a lot of sacrifices to be where I am today...  I am still single and nulliparous, all of my girlfriends who were formerly my token single friends... now have sig ots. I have 12 nieces and nephews and am the only single clan member of 7.  The thought of settling down in one place used to make me incredibly anxious, thus a reason I've moved almost every year for the last eleven... but I chose this path right?

So now I'm in Portland.  Working in a clinic where one of the docs has been here since he finished residency 25 years ago.  Leaving Seattle on Sunday I asked myself, "do I miss it here?"  A question I've yet to answer.  I struggled creating a community in Seattle... I had friends from work and school.... but they all have families and spouses or they were 10 years my junior... I spent a lot of time alone in Seattle, mostly due to the emotional malaise of being in a full-time doctoral program and it was hard for me to pull myself away from watching a "Bones" marathon on my down time.   I miss the familiarity, the comfort of being a recluse at times, and it was home for 4 years.  But again, now I am in Portland.  I guess it is time for me to grow some roots which is such a weird sensation for me, but I think it might be ok.

This coming weekend is our work holiday party.  It is at a hotel and my boss pays for a hotel room and there's a brunch the following morning...sounds fun right?  But,  I am sort of dreading it... well not sort of, I am.  I am the only single provider and I am the newest employee.  It is my first weekend on-call and therefore cannot use my usual social crutch (read: maker's mark) in excess and we are expected to dress up.  UGH!! I guess I am super tired of flying solo... and as my friend Michele and I would say is that I am driving my pity-party bus right now... and will most likely be driving it to the Sheraton on Saturday night.

On a brighter note, I got to see two great friends from school Sunday morning for brunch.  I can't reiterate enough how nice it is to receive affirmation that this is super tough.  Starting as an NP is difficult and it's ok to feel overwhelmed.  One friend Katie, is a seasoned Women's health NP who has been practicing for a year, and I look at her with such admiration.  We recounted stories of the number of times we just don't have a clue with patients.  Since I started seeing patients in the beginning of November; I've had a few follow-up visits... and surprisingly most of them have reported that my interventions have worked!  A gentlemen I saw for a skin issue (which is by far one of the toughest parts of my job) had improved... when he said that his rash had gotten a lot better, I almost wanted to say "No Shit?! Who knew?!"

We are never really sure that the choices we make are always the right ones... I am pretty sure my decision to move to Portland is right... just sometimes you need to step back and review right?

H/P clan comes to visit!

Wow, I cannot believe it's December already... and I've officially been practicing for one solid month.  Crazy!
Today I woke up early to enjoy a cup of coffee and a skype date with one of my BFFs before work.  It was such a wonderful way to start my day.  She is a new mom and also trying to wrap up her NP degree... she's amazing.  I feel so fortunate to have such wonderful girlfriends in my life, just makes me so sad that most of them are so far away.

Last weekend I had quite the crew come to visit... my brother and his family plus, their 4 month old Goldendoodle.  Needless to say my cat with special needs Midge, hid under the dresser for the majority of the weekend as a very fluffy white ball o'fun ran around the house.  Portland has many culinary delights and Friday night we went to Dick's Kitchen which is a healthy take on a diner.  I had been there before and immensely enjoy their "not-fries"- potatoes that are baked in a convection oven making them super crispy and delicious and their malts... ooohh emmmm geee.  But Friday night it was right out of a Portlandia episode...  our smiley waitress came to the table to take or order.  She begins by asking if we had ever dined at DK's... my answer was yes, but it's their first time, pointing to the Haws/Packard Clan.  Which sparked the following monologue: "Well, here at DK's all of our meat is local and grass fed and we make sure to use only local vegetables.  Plus we adhere to a Paleolithic diet, meaning low salt and low gluten... so any one of our burgers can come naked (wrapped in lettuce) or you can try it on one of our gluten-free buns!"  I was watching my SIL from across the table very wide-eyed, biting my lip because I was about to burst out laughing.  I am not kidding, this really happened... no joke... it was incredible.  And WTF? Who's ever heard of a Paleolithic diet?  And excuse me, does a vegan hotdog qualify as Paleolithic? Because I'm pretty sure tempeh wasn't available during the Paleolithic era.

I treated my 9 year old niece to go see Cavalia for her birthday... it's a Cirque du Soliel with horses.  It was quite good, well the first act was a beautiful grey and by the end of the act I was bawling my eyes out.  In a previous life I was a very serious equestrian and the horse reminded me of my since passed Ascot... tear.  The rest of the show was great and I think Emma had a great time.  The remainder of the weekend included lots of shopping... the H/P clan wanted to take advantage of the no sales tax... followed by a pizza and cupcake party for the 5 of us for Emma's birthday.  The pizza at Dove Vivi is incredible btw.  We finished the weekend of food gluttony at the Screen Door... whoa. we. whoa.  First of all, we arrived at 0915 to find an hour long wait... but it was well worth it.  Apparently the fried chicken and waffles is their specialty (not for this kid), but they serve grits and I heart the grits and they were amazing.

An impetus to start this blog was to help me process my new experiences in Portland and in a new career... but more importantly,  to also find my 'ness'.  A phrase coined by my dear friend with whom I skyped with this morning.  Meaning my AwesomeNESS.  I have for a long time lost sight of my 'ness'... a broken heart and some weight gain can do that to a gal... and just an overall feeling of defeat.  But, I am trying hard to get back my 'ness' or recreate it I guess.  Sarah and I spoke about our 'ness' this morning and currently I am directing my efforts on this:  for as long as I can remember, I have always put other people first, no matter what the consequences may be for me.  Now, I am really being cognizant of the decisions I make, and am trying (I mean... this is a real work in process) to make decisions and choices that benefit ME.  For most this is probably commonplace, but for me, it takes great effort and well... ah di try-o!

So on that note... I want to say thanks to my loved ones who could always see my 'ness' even when I couldn't or rather wouldn't.  I also am thankful today that my friend Kate safely arrived home from India... not that I had any doubt, just makes me sleep better.

It's cold here.  Time for bed.